Ever feel like you and your partner are talking past each other? You’re both trying to be heard, repeating the same points, but it’s like shouting into a void. Defenses flare before you even realize it, and suddenly you’re opponents, not partners. Communication feels like a battle. You miss that quality time together… feeling seen, safe and supported.

Recently, my husband and I found ourselves in a power struggle over the guest room closet. He wanted to keep his mom’s things exactly as she left them when she moved back to Dallas. I wanted to organize the space as we were renovating the upstairs and shifting everything around. Things got heated. We were both passionate, and pretty convinced our own needs were more important.

The thing is that most relationship problems are not even solvable in the typical way you might expect. There is very little right and wrong. Both people’s perspectives are valid. Gottman relationship research shows that nearly 70% of relationship “problems” are perpetual, rather than solvable. So, there literally is NO point in arguing your positions. To fix most relationship problems, you are solving for connection.

Empathy Is The Antidote To Arguments.

Conversations can become a tug-of-war of perspectives without empathy. Conflicts often revolves around each person trying to convince the other of their own thoughts and point of viewpoint. Empathizing breaks the negative cycle, and helps your partner feel heard. Making space for opposing viewpoints is essential. Otherwise, communication will become about who can win. Empathy cuts relationship problems by 50% (Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 2023), because feeling heard calms defenses.

Why Disagreements Spiral Without Empathy.

Staying connected is easy when we agree and becomes nearly impossible when we have conflicting viewpoints. When you don’t feel understood, your instinct is to push harder to correct their facts, and defend your side. When our bond feels threatened, we become fully engaged in fight-or-flight mode. Partners become enemies. You stop listening. You stop maintaining eye contact. You start preparing your defense before they’ve even finished speaking. Empathy breaks the arguing loop by focusing on feelings, not who’s right.

Facts Don’t Fix Disconnection… Feelings Do.

You can’t logic your way back to closeness. Empathy triggers oxytocin, the “connection hormone,” calming tension and rebuilding trust, even mid-fight. You don’t have to analyze every trigger or revisit every past wound to improve communication. You just need to stop defending your reality… to make space for their emotions.

Empathy Is Attunement, Not Agreement.

Empathy shifts the goal from winning the argument to protecting the connection. Empathy triggers oxytocin, the “connection hormone,” calming tension and rebuilding trust, even mid-fight. You can totally disagree with what someone is saying, and still connect with what they’re feeling.

15 Empathy Statements To Improve Communication.

Here are fifteen simple empathy statements to bridge the divide with your partner no matter how far apart you feel.

Seen: Show You Get Their Experience

I can see how important this is to you.
I can see how that came off dismissive.
I can see how my lateness made you feel unimportant.
I can see how my focus on work has left you feeling sidelined.
I can see how my forgetting that detail felt like I wasn’t listening.

Safe: Create Emotional Security

I can see how my reaction made you feel alone.
I can see how my comment made you feel judged.
I can see how that wasn’t fair to you.
I can see how all of this has made it hard to stay close.
I can see how disconnected you’ve felt lately.

Supported: Prove You’re There

I can see how it felt like I didn’t have your back.
I can see how you’re frustrated this keeps happening.
I can see how you didn’t feel supported in that moment.
I can see how being the one to bring things up is exhausting.
I can see how you’ve been needing more from me.

We Are Shockingly Bad At Empathy.

Our brains are wired for efficiency, protection, and prediction. Research shows we misread our partner’s emotions 60-70% of the time in close relationships (APA PsycNet, 2024). That’s not great odds when you’re building emotional safety. We filter their words through our own feelings, past pain, and protection strategies. You start defending. Empathy disappears. Honest communication requires us to understand our blind spots.

Confirmation Bias Gets in the Way Of Empathy.

Confirmation bias is your brain’s shortcut to avoid uncertainty. We filter out over half of the information that doesn’t fit our narrative. Your brain wants predictability, especially when stress or past hurt is involved. So, if your brain expects criticism, abandonment, or rejection, you’ll interpret neutral moments through that lens. You might hear… “They always think the worst of me.”, “They never appreciate anything I do.” or “They’re trying to start something right now.” If you are not paying attention to your survival tendencies, you will miss seeing your partner.
In our case of the guest room closet conversations, I was convinced that my husband was too emotional and not thinking about the most logical choice, and not seeing how hard it was for me to move all of these things around that were interconnected like a huge puzzle. I was supposed to cave to his position just because he felt some sort of way about it. He was irritated how I always come at things from one angle and don’t see his point of view. He felt hurt that I could not see how important this was for him having moved away from Texas and now his mom moving back to TX. We were blinded by our confirmation biases and dug in to protect our turf.

Become A Better Listener: Defensiveness To Connection.

Not everyone has learned how to use listening skills in romantic relationships. Empathy requires space. Even a 5-second breath cuts defensiveness by 20% (Journal of Family Therapy, 2024). Empathy asks you to pause your own story and step into your partner’s inner world. You are not solving for who is right or wrong or good or bad or who wins the argument. You are solving for connection. You win or lose together. The goal of good communication is connection.

As for our guestroom closet… I practiced empathy and said to my husband, “I can see how this closet is really important for you to leave a space for your mom.” I respect that about him. The closet remained untouched for months until one day he came to me and said that he could see how it was time to make more space for our family memories – especially as we were about to finish the upstairs hardwood floor project. We both felt heard, connected, and Nana still has plenty of space.

Summarize & Empathize To Communicate Better.

You can change the trajectory of your relationship by practicing two quick communication skills regularly. The 1st step is to summarize what you hear in your own words to put your brain in neutral. You can read more about how to instantly improve couples communication with the summarize shift here. The 2nd step is to empathize. Connect with their feelings, even if you disagree with the facts.

Next time a tough conversation starts, resist the urge to jump in with your own opinion. Listen, summarize, and empathize. Instead of trying to prove your reality, use one of these empathy statements to acknowledge theirs. The more you choose connection over protection, the stronger your relationship will be.

Ready to stop the tug-of-war? Grab my free Connected Communication Toolkit to stop arguments and rebuild connection fast with fun couples exercises to practice. Or, book a free consultation to have a conversation about how couples therapy can make these habits stick.

Keep connecting,
Debbie Cherry, LMFT